I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
