Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
