he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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