just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
