Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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