i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
