I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
