i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
