so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
bring money and cleavage
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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