I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
