I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Boobs speak an international language.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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