Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
