I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
