you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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