You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
