she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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