You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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