You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
