i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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