I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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