Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
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