dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
