When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
