I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
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