I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
