I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize