I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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