oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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