your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
