We're facebook friends in real life
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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