I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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