just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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