Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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