I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
