nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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