i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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