wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
