The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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