Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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