I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize