i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My apartment stinks of burning failure
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
