please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
