I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
