at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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