Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize