May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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