If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
