I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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