remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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