the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
