Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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