He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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